Friday, August 26, 2011

In Which I am Well Informed (1)



Do you find non-fiction objectionable? Do you loathe and abhor self-help books? Do you find memoirs so depressing you think you may go out and beat your neighbor to make yourself feel better? Well...that's how I feel. If you feel the same, you've found the right place. In my feature IN WHICH I AM WELL INFORMED I will be reading something of a non-fiction nature and I will tell you what I've learned from said item. No worries, this is going to be fun!

**I just want to preface this post by saying that all my thoughts are my own and are only meant in fun and not to be offensive. Sometimes life should be laughed at and not taken so seriously. It's better that way.**
Okay readers! for my first In Which I am Well Informed, I perused the digital library in my city and found some e-books that I thought would be fun for my first feature. This week I chose: When I first saw this book I giggled to myself because, really...REALLY? Then again, I am easily amused. How to Eat Like a Hot Chick by Jodi Lipper & Cerina Vincent is a very...interesting guide to food. Apparently,they will help you wake up your "Inner Hot Chick" once and for all.

My Inner Hot Chick? OKAY!!! I didn't know I had one, but I'm sure she'd like to come out and play! LET'S DO THIS THANG! *does a couple fist pumps*

Alrighty readers, here is what I learned from this book {you may want to put your goggles on, it's very deep}:

1. Hot Chicks do not use the world horny. However, if you need to refer to such things, you may use the work heydayish: {I had no idea that being horny *clears throat* sorry...heydayish had anything to do with eating...apparently I am mistaken. Awesome.)

2. "The FDA's food-pyramid thingy" is B.S.: {I once took a nutrition class in school and learned all about health and this small little sentence has blown everything they ever taught me up in smoke.

So much for the public school system.

Now, I'm not totally adverse to believing the statement because the FDA does approve a lot of things for consumption that really should NOT be allowed, but I kind of felt that their "food-pyramid thingy" what they had goin' for them. Although, "food pyramid thingy" brings all sorts of dirty images to mind. Kind of makes a girl all
heydayish. I feel so enlightened.}

3. Most of us "Hot Chicks" need between 1200-1800 calories a day depending on our height: {I don't actually know if this is true, but it sounds true. And you know what they say about things that sound true.

They are.


I'm thinking of worshiping this book.
}

4. It is okay to eat cereal, but not the whole box in one sitting: {Bummer. I don't know about you, but eating a whole box of cereal would be a difficult feat. I mean, those boxes are HUGE! Even pregnant I can't do it....although, I've never even thought to try. But, I'm glad these authors told me not to because now I'll never try. Thank you Jodi and Cerina. I'm forever indebted to you for this.}

5. "Popeye was one smart mother f'er. And just like Popeye, spinach is hot even without olive oil": {apparently we should all steer clear of olive oil because while every other health food specialist says that olive oil is one of the good oils, Jodi and Cerina feel that olive oil has a bullshit reputation and that consuming it while on your salad is epically stupid.

I'm so glad I now know this.


When the cardiologist told my father after is 2nd quadruple bypass that olive oil was the only oil he was allowed to eat, he must have been mistaken. Bummer, Dad. We should probably find you a new doctor...maybe Jodi and Cerina will do it!!

Spinach on the other hand is okay to eat with EVERYTHING and should be consumed on a regular basis. A pound of spinach for dinner is an excellent idea. Popeye you are my new hero. Marry me?
}

6. Sexy snacks include - fruit, meat, ice cream, french fries & lollipops: {Okay, last I checked, french fries were NOT healthy being that they are deep fried in unhealthy oil. However, according to Jodi and Cerina, my "little fingers will look so cute dipping the fries in ketchup and then putting them into *my* pretty mouth" and therefore this is due cause to just listen to Jodi and Cerina because they say so. I'm so excited by this news I think I'm going to go out and have fries for breakfast. No matter that on page 117 of the book they tell me that I should watch it with the ketchup because it's full of sugar and that mixing it with a whole plate of fries is only going to "add to my problems." I'm baffled. Which page do I listen to? Eat the fries...don't eat the fries...*sigh* My head hurts.}

7. Candy necklaces are the number one food prop: {Duh. Who doesn't know this?! I always consider all my food props before I leave the house and candy necklaces always win out. In fact, I keep a whole stack of them in my cupboard right next to the olive oil and the ketchup.}

To finish up, I'd like to leave you with this little tid bit of information: You are hot!

You Inner Hot Chick has now been woken up. You are welcome!

*hugs and kisses and candy necklaces*

14 comments:

  1. Popeye was one smart mother f'er. And just like Popeye, spinach is hot even without olive oil"

    So sorry, but this one sentence made my inner hot chick perplexed. You are not allowed to say "horny" but "mother f'er" is ok? Ok, I know, it lacks some crucial letters but following this one example I can also change "horny" into "hoy" or "orn" - will I be hot then?

    A book which makes my inner hot chick change into her sexy black leather outfit, polish her katana using olive oil and go out to hunt other hot chicks...ok, I mean vampires. Well, anything and everybody who wears pink and hose. See you soon - I will show you my collection of er...hot chick's heads.

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  2. I can't wait to read more of this feature! This was hilarious and would have had me laughing out loud had there not been a one year old napping five feet away from me that I do not dare wake up. I think people need to have some sort of health degree to write books about weight management. Having a "hot body" does not equal knowledge on how to get and maintain one in a healthy way. And I don't know of anyone unless they are six and under who can rock a candy necklace. My daughter does a good job of it, but she is three. I digress.

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  3. Hm.... I didn't know candy necklaces were hot. I always thought they were made of earwig wax or something. You know... the same stuff those candy hearts are made of. Now, I have been corrected. No wonder no one thinks I'm hot. :( Guess I should spend more time by the heater. :/

    I have to say I loved your comments. I don't know if I could read this without you by my side tho! :D

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  4. @anachronist - I know! I was SO confused at the logic behind that one. Apparently the eff word is okay, but saying "horny" is just tacky o_o ummm...okay?

    @YA Book Lover - Yes, my 4.5 year old can totally rock a candy necklace, too. Me? Not so much. I think this may have been an epic fail on their part. There was actually a part where it said "We know, we looked it up." I was like, well, it's a good thing you told me you looked it up. But, why did you have to tell me you looked it up in the first place? Seriously, weird! I do NOT want to be anything like the people who wrote that book. I'll keep my Inner Hot Chick stifled. :D

    @Melissa - I am amused by the smallest things. Sometimes I think cracking jokes about things I've read or seen is even funnier than when I read it (or saw it). Case in point, Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Quoting that movie never ceases to amuse me. And, DON'T worry, you can have a handful of my candy necklaces. Your Inner Hot Chick will be so thrilled! No heater necessary! ;D

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  5. haha this is a great post and made me laugh, i cant believe some books like this are even published. now im off to accesorise with my candy necklaces...

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  6. oh Lordy. This one sounds so bad it might be good haha I think I feel my inner Hot Chick waking up ;)

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  7. What? Olive oil isn't good for you? Crap! I cook all my food in EVOO. Damn you Rachel Ray! *shakes angry fist*

    And FYI... they also sell candy tongs... Don't ask me how I know that. LOL

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  8. LOL I love this post! Although I am very shocked to hear that candy necklaces are the number one food props. I must run out and buy some. LOL :)

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  9. Wow. So many things in this post to talk about! I've learned so much. I had no idea being horny was related to eating, but hey, learn something new every day. And yay for french fries being recommended! *runs to McDonald's*

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  10. So I can have a whole plate of fries just so long as I hold the ketchup? Score!

    I loved your humor with this post! Please keep reading ridiculous and bad non-fiction books. :)

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  11. heydayish? wtf? Haaaaaaa! I can't wait to try that one out on the bf! Oh and I've also consumed an entire box of cereal in one sitting... damn you lucky charms. Jodi and Cerina would sure hate me....

    I need to cut back on the ketchup, maybe that will help my inner hot chick wake up :)haha!

    Gah, your so adorable! Can't wait to see what you come up with next!

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  12. @Abby - I know exactly what you mean. I always wonder how they make it into the mix when it is so absurd. Enjoy your candy necklaces! ;)

    @Melissa - Good, Good!! It's always good for The Inner Hot Chick to come out and play. Although, it sounds like a psychological nightmare. Yes doctor, it's me and my Inner Hot Chick. She's talking to me now. ;D

    @Missie - So do I!! EVOO all the way! {btw - totally knew about the candy thongs, LOL! Great minds think alike}

    @Nic - Let me know where you find a stash, I'm running low on candy necklaces! :D

    @Jenny - I know, I'm so excited about french fries being recommended. They are delicious. Who knew their fattening qualities would make me hot!:D

    @Small - Oh, you can even add a bit of ketchup...it just depends on which chapter you read. LOL! I will keep on reading, some of these books are hilarious...although, I don't think they are supposed to be. ;)

    @Diane - Never cut back on the ketchup, your Inner Hot Chick isn't worth it! I heart ketchup. :D And, yeah, if I said heydayish to the hubby he'd look at me like I was insane. But then I'd probably giggle hysterically so that's a plus. :D

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  13. I'm all about the candy panties! LOL!

    What a fun post! You are the one who could pull this off and make me laugh. Can't wait what mysterious "true" book you pick for next time.


    Black Disaster Fairy

    A World of Personality

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  14. Um, wow. hot chickies better not touch my olive oil - I use it to cook EVERYTHING. Awesome post, fun & fabulous comments! I love nonfiction, but yeah, it's a dodgy group of hit or miss book in that genre! Me thinks these chicks have lil too much botox sitting on their brain!

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XOXO Jen the Bibliophile

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