Friday, October 7, 2011

In Which I am Well Informed 3: How to Survive the Zombie Apocalypse


Do you find non-fiction objectionable? Do you loathe and abhor self-help books? Do you find memoirs so depressing you think you may go out and beat your neighbor to make yourself feel better? Well...that's how I feel. If you feel the same, you've found the right place. In my feature IN WHICH I AM WELL INFORMED I will be reading something of a non-fiction nature and I will tell you what I've learned from said item. No worries, this is going to be fun!

**I just want to preface this post by saying that all my thoughts are my own and are only meant in fun and not to be offensive. Sometimes life should be laughed at and not taken so seriously. It's better that way.**
So this week's post, while some may fight me on its realistic value, comes directly from the CDC {Center for Disease Control}: Preparedness 101: Zombie Apocalypse by Ali S. Kahn
We all know that one day the zombie apocalypse is inevitable. I mean, with all the things that can go wrong and do go wrong, I wouldn't be the least bit surprised if one day it actually happens. Either way, if you're prepared for the ZA then you'll be prepared for any other emergencies that may precede it.

What I learned:

1. Stock Emergency Supplies: The CDC notes that included in this is
  • 1 Gallon of water for each person
  • Non-perishable food
  • Medications
  • Tools and supplies (I assume supplies thus related to tools)
  • Clothing and Bedding
  • Important Documents
  • First Aid Supplies
I would like to add one of the things that is missing from this list. GUNS AND AMMO. Because, really people, what good is any of that stuff if you can't protect yourself from the hordes of dead who will most likely be banging at your door wanting to eat your brain? None. For something temporary against a very small horde, a bat could help, but it will only temporarily move the dead aside while you run to get your very large gun. They are strong and persistent and have been known to keep going even after losing limbs, flesh and parts of their head. So, for guns, think big. What would do the most damage? I've also heard recommendations for crossbows because they are silent, although, I know they are harder for accuracy points. Overall though, remember be prepared or prepare to be munched on while still screaming.

2. Plan your contact area and evacuation group:
So, if you get separated from your family/loved ones/friends/strangers who are not zombies, you should plan to meet up somewhere. You should pick one place close to your house and one place farther away. Reason being, your home could be infested with zombies...you need options. Planning your evacuation route is important because everyone else is going to be trying to get out of town and you don't want to be caught in dead-lock traffic (emphasis on dead).

3. If you are unable to get out of town, fortify your base:
I recommend keeping some kind of fortifying supplies around the house just in case your home is saved in the whole downfall. I would think nice strong wood for fortifying the windows and something really heavy for the door to try and keep the living dead from breaking it in. (See The Forest of Hands and Teeth ending scenes) I don't know how well the zombies can climb, but treetop and rooftop living seem to be a satisfactory way to avoid zombies eating the flesh from your warm body.

4. Search for survivors:
This is a tough one because if you go out to search for survivors you may end up zombified, but you would most likely go crazy if you end up alone (See I am Legend). However, if you can get a large enough group, mostly armed, this should be okay. Just be careful and quiet. While zombies have been known to be able to find humans based on smell alone, too much noise and signals may also capture their attention.
5. Notify the CDC:
If this is all in the early stages, don't forget to notify the Center for Disease Control and they will send out an investigation party to check on the "infected". Hopefully all of the army, military and government will not be killed off first as in every zombie movie I've ever seen and every zombie book I've read. And, I don't know about you, but I'm going to check my guns and see what my ammunition situation is.

Until next time...Don't forget to check your own ammunition situation. Lock and load!

17 comments:

  1. Oh why bother with it all? Let's face it - sooner or later we will be all zombies. The resistance is futile and senseless. Not to mention expensive. Try shopping for non-perishable food or tools, not to mention ammo and a gun.

    A great post - pass that bowl with fresh brains, sister! ;)

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  2. @Achronist - BLAHAHAHAHAHA! This is true. I imagine it's inevitable and really, I don't think I'll be too worried once the whole thing happens...as long as there is enough brain that is. Maybe I'll be the Zombie Queen. *puppy dog eyes* A girl can dream! Brains it is!!

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  3. Hm. This is very valuable information, I'm glad you posted this today so I can prepare:) I would think zombies could climb wouldn't they? They still have limbs and things. Thought they're probably not all that coordinated:) Tree house here I come!

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  4. LOL, this awesome post reminded me of "Shaun of the Dead" with Simon Pegg. Have you seen it? It's freaking hilarious.

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  5. I just have one thing to show you:

    http://www.damnlol.com/in-case-of-zombies-5957.html

    'nuff said ;P

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  6. @Jenny - Yes they still have limbs, but I don't think they are coordinated enough to climb. I'm seriously thinking Treetop living is going to become the norm. Oooo...I'm kind of excited.

    @Rummanah - No! I SO want to see it. I love those type of movies and I remember all the trailers for it. Zombie comedy is awesome!

    @Stray - HAHAHAHAHA!!! SO awesome, Leo! I totally posted that pic just now because it was too good not to.

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  7. I've already made my ZA plan, and sadly, it does not include searching for survivors. If fact, I think I would prefer being on my own. I can't spare the food.

    But yeah, at the first mention of Zombies, I'm heading over to the Super Walmart on Trenton and McColl and locking myself in. Supplies = Check! Books = Check! Freezer full of ice-cream = Check! Check!

    GAWD, I'm brilliant!

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  8. Hm... you know... I was thinking that there are a lot of people out there that need brains so being a zombie wouldn't be too bad. At least they would finally search for what they need! Hm...

    However, I know that despite my stock piling of spam, I'd still end up hungry for brrraaaiiinnnnssss....

    PS... I never saw Legend. My cousin said that the dog dies and so I refuse to watch it. ;)

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  9. @Missie - You are a genius. Although, I'm still into treetop living. I need to replenish our ammo though. I also need to buy a bigger gun. You are going to need a lot of wood to board up the Walmart windows and doors. Don't want the dead breaking through. Man! So much to think about for the ZA!!

    @Melissa - The dog does die. o_o This was my least favorite scene in the whole movie. It made me angry and probably the reason I didn't care for the movie a ton. Why the dog? He was so pretty and so good. DON'T KILL THE DOG!

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  10. HEHE!!! I can't express to you the depths in which I LOOVE this post! LOL

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  11. How enjoyable was this?!

    Now I feel prepared for everything. But I would have to add two things to that list in order to complete this post!

    1.) Face stomping awesome boots!
    2.) Silver tipped parasol with a removable pistol handle!

    But if they get your brains I get your books! *wink wink*

    MS

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  12. HAHAHA zombies. LOVE.

    PS...side note...this totally makes me crave The Walking Dead! :)

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  13. Ha ha ha! It's always good to be prepared for a zombie apocalypse. It could happen at any second. As for myself, I am woefully UNprepared, unless reading good zombie fiction counts?? ASHES by Ilsa J. Bick, anyone?

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  14. @Ashley - I know, girl! You are going to be our Zombie Queen when the whole world goes to crap! :D

    @MS - The boots are a total must. I don't think my flip flops would hold up well. Although, the AZ sun would prolly burn the zombies to a crisp. Easier to kill that way. :D

    @Melissa - *fist pump* I SO know what you mean! I feel like I need to go watch zombie movies galore.

    @Susan - Ooooo, I really want to read that one. I'm also woefully unprepared. My ammunition is lacking. Although, last night my dad told me I could have enough of the emergency 72 hour kits he had stashed at his house for my own family. Makes me feel a little better. He also said I could raise the duffel full of family emergency supplies. *sigh* Sometimes my dad rocks!

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  15. This post was great. Im so ready for the ZA now...actually prob not, Id be one of those screaming chicks who gets ate in the first five minutes...

    Have you read that book How to Survive a ZA and you get to pick your own version of the book...?? That was a blast, I died so fast!!

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  16. I love this feature! Great post and who doesn't benefit from learning about preparation for an impending zombie apocalypse? Whether it happens or not, it's definitely entertaining. Well, until it happens... Then it might not be entertaining...

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  17. I need, like seriously, NEED for you to get Twitter!

    I thought you were totally joking about the CDC...but you obviously aren't.

    And how can you forget GUNS!? And bags full of AMMO!?

    I'm smiling so big right now! Such a great, funny post! :)

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XOXO Jen the Bibliophile

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